I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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