what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize