Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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