How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize