I'm gonna have a badass scar
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
