Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
