I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
