this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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