she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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