is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
