You smell like stripper and shame
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
