so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
