apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
