i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
