I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
