You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
