im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
