I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
