I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize