You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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