You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
