a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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