I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
