things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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