glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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