Your face is a jimmy john
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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