I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
thus making me awesome and them whores
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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