My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
