He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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