alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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