I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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