then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
