There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I lost the right to judge tonight
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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