Cold hands, warm shart.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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