...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize