I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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