I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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