Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
ttyl tear gas
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
