There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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