he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
