If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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