I'm so fucking centered right now
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
