the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
