Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
