Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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