What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
