I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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