I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
