so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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