So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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