Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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