My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
