I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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