Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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