I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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