it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
