JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
