I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My cat gives me a boner
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
