Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so let's talk penis.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
