Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
