Even the bartender felt bad for me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
