There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
