Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
